For most of my life I never fit in with regular society.
Think nerdy girl with large framed glasses and a book always at her fingertips.
In grade school my best friend’s mom thought I was on drugs because I was so intense and mature for my age (I wasn’t on drugs then, that came later when I was numbing my sensitivity).
This strange separation always made me feel like I was the weird one on the outside looking in on life, until recently.
I’ve come to realize that I’ve never accepted the world as we have been taught. I’ve always believed that reality could be hijacked in some way.
Which meant that I was always seeking a different way to live, to love, and to make money.
It wasn’t until my mid thirties, when my life came crashing down around me, that my first spiritual awakening happened and reality began to shift rapidly.
The 1st Phase: The Activation
My first activation came when I made the decision (with the help of my therapist) to tell my then sixteen year old son he needed to seek medical support, or he couldn’t come home.
Two weeks before this conversation I had walked into my laundry room to find him with a chair and a cord ready to hang himself.
Everything leading up to this moment is written in my first book My Kid is Driving me Crazy: A Mom’s Survival Guide for Living with a Child with Mental Illness. If you want to read it, send me a message and I’ll send you a copy.
A year later we broke up for good. Even though he wasn’t living in my house, things had gotten worse.
I remember walking into my living room and feeling dread. When you spend all your time worrying about something and then that something goes away, there is a void that no one talks about.
A space where you see an open road before you and it terrifies you more than being a caregiver ever did.
Add in that I had stopped talking to my own son and believed an angry mob of moms was going to break down my door to tell me what a horrible parent I was, I dropped into depression.
This is one of the most painful moments of my life and it was also the catalyst for one the most transformational experiences I have ever had.
It was because of this moment that I would step into a world I had not known was possible.
Note: An activation can also come as a positive. Receiving a large sum of money, meeting someone who loves you unconditionally, launching a book. It’s something that triggers an energetic charge in your body that is bigger than your nervous system can handle. This is the moment when you are forced to see that something needs to change.
You can also self activate yourself by declaring with great certainty that you are done with something in your life. A relationship, your finances, a job you hate. The declaration needs to hold the frequency of finality. There is no going back from this moment.
This phase is the invitation to step into your future self. In order to do that, the version of you that currently exists must die. This can feel painful in the beginning but gets easier over time.
The 2nd Phase: The Crash
For months I could barely function, curling up in what I lovingly named my “depression chair” and got up only to work or take care of my kids.
My husband and I shared three other children with our exes. They required what little energy I could muster. When they were at school, I was in the chair. When they got home, I cooked dinner and got them to bed. Then I went back to the chair.
This went on for months. A fatigue and brain fog that swallowed me whole when I woke up and muffled the world around me until I fell asleep.
My body was going through the motions without actually being in the room. It was during this time I became exceptional at Candy Crush. The only thing I wanted was to feel numb and silly online games gave me endless distraction from the pain I was feeling.
During this time your body is letting go of old programming that has been running on auto pilot in your subconscious. It can feel heavy and full of grief.
Learning that what you’ve been taught, or who you believed you were, or how you thought life would go, was all a lie, can be disorientating. It can feel like the very ground you stand on is unstable. It did for me.
Part of my awakening in this moment was releasing a narrative that was instilled in me from my childhood that said, “family first”. How could I stop talking to my son while that programming ran.
With help from my therapist I had to untangle that this messaging was given to me by people who wanted to take advantage of me. That it was a manipulation to allow abuse and I had to confront that abuse is abuse no matter where it comes from. Even if it is your family or kids. Seeing my childhood from this perspective was crushing.
This took me a long time to come to terms with, but in order to be set free to become the next version of myself, I had to be willing to see this program to move forward.
Note: The crash will feel different for everyone but will always require confronting a part of yourself you need to see. I’ve always reached out for help when I was crashing to support me in seeing what my ego wanted to keep hidden.
This has looked like coaches, therapy, calling a friend, doing plant medicine. Even now I don’t crash alone. I’ve learned to appreciate this phase and now look forward to uncovering the program to shift.
Also, my son and I are very close now. This break up gave us both time to heal away from each other and learn how to be independent and healthy. He was an integral part of me writing the book about our journey together.
Years later when I published My Kid is Driving me Crazy, I would also crash. It would take me weeks to come back into my body and function again. It’s one thing to write a book that you want to help others, it’s another to know that people can see into your life so openly. That vulnerability was another moment where I had to release the version of me that was afraid of being seen as a terrible mother.
The 3rd Phase: The Rise
Months went by with me barely functioning, until one day I asked myself, “what is one thing I can do today to feel just a little better than yesterday?”.
That one question became my lifeline. Everyday I would receive a task and if I did that task I would feel successful.
Make a therapy appointment, have a shower (those were hard at the time), go for a walk, get my hair done. Whatever the voice in my head said, I did.
Then one day the voice said, “meditate”.
It was 2014 and I had never meditated a day in my life or knew anyone that did. Yet somehow Facebook (which I was obsessed with) seemed to have heard the voice in my head because that afternoon as I was scrolling I saw an ad for a free 30 day meditation series with Kari Samuels called Meditate with the Angels.
Immediately I clicked the link and began the journey back to the light. For thirty days I would listen to the meditation that was sent to me and sleep through it. When Kari called us back to our bodies, I would wake up and wonder if I was doing it right. I began to coin these moments as medi-napping which my family loved. My kids would ask me, “mom , did you medi'-nap today?”.
Even though I was sleeping through them, I began to feel better. It was noticeable. When the thirty days were over, I knew I had to keep going and began doing meditations on YouTube.
The more I meditated, the more I would feel better. Then one day in one of my meditations (which I was fully awake for), my Poppy came to visit me. Poppy means Grandfather in east coast. When I came back from that meditation, I knew my Poppy HAD been there. He had talked to me and shared a message.
When I realized that I was receiving Spirit messages in my meditations, I began to hear them outside my meditations. This lead me to make a therapy appointment to make sure my brain was working ok. During this session, my therapist listened and then told me it was time. After twenty years of working together our work was shifting and she invited me into A Course in Miracles; a small group she hosted at her house once a week.
During these nights I would learn about my psychic skills, be surrounded by other magical humans, and I would learn a text that changed how I saw the world.
Note: this is when something enters your life that will offer support to the expanded version of you in their becoming. It’s a call upwards. This can be a download, a coach, a new friend, a mentor, an idea.
When I lived at my in-laws, this person was the fitness manager at the gym I worked at. I used to joke that she was the best mentor I’d ever been paid to have. Her view of the world and helping people brought me back to myself after a crushing break up from a devastating coaching relationship.
You will never be expected to stay in the crash, there will always be guides to bring you back to the light.
The 4th Phase: The Shift
As I began to learn about my psychic gifts and continued meditating, my relationship to the voice in my head began to shift.
Instead of seeing it as something weird, I saw it as a loving guide with my best interest at heart.
It was during this time I was told to create a 52 week colouring agenda and an intention card deck. The voice, which I now call my Team of Light, informed me that I believed that I never completed anything, and they wanted me to understand that this story wasn’t true so I would be able to help more people.
For the next few years I did everything my Team of Light asked me to do. When they told me to begin reading oracle cards for my friends and family I did. When they told me to become a Certified Angel Card Reader, I did.
As I practiced my gifts on my friends and family, one moment stands out. I was reading my husband to get my practical hours in and asked him, “why are they showing me a guitar in your hands?”. He looked up and told me that he used to be in bands when he was in high school and loved making music. I was gobsmacked! He had never mentioned this to me or even shared his love of music.
Later that day he went to pick up the bass he had at his parents and has since released multiple albums and EPs on Spotify.
The more I opened up and listened to the guidance from my Team of Light, the more confident I became as this version of me.
Note: this is the phase where you receive confirmation from the outside world that you have shifted. You might be told you seem brighter, happier, more yourself. This is the universe letting you know that all the work you did in releasing the old programming is working. Evidence will appear in signs, synchronicities and opportunities.
This is also the phase when people who don’t like who you are becoming will try to pull you back into the old version of yourself. Your expansion will make them uncomfortable and they won’t understand why you aren’t the same person you were before.
The most important lesson in this phase is to keep expanding. Your work here is not to make yourself smaller to make others feel more comfortable. It is to allow yourself to step into your expansion and to invite the people you love to come with you. You can’t make this shift for them. Trust that they are adults capable of making their own decisions, just like you are.
The 5th Phase: A New Reality
By late 2016 the urge to make a difference with these new gifts was bigger than my physical body could handle. Sometimes I would sit at my dining room table, stare out the window and cry.
When I asked my Team of Light what to do about the pressure I was feeling, they told me to contact Hay House to write a book. Looking into how to become a Hay House author I learned that it was a fortress that required a literary agent, a book proposal and a large following. All of which I had none.
While I sat at the computer feeling defeated, they guided me to look up a speaker I had just seen at an event a few months prior. This coach was offering a program that taught you how to write your first book, and how to build a business around that book.
I signed up for her webinar and watched the possibility of becoming an author, which was my childhood dream, flash before my eyes. Even though I didn’t have the money, I believed if it was meant to happen, then I would be able to find a way to make it work.
Borrowing a friends credit card for the first payment, I swore (the declaration from phase one) that I would be able to pay my friend back and make the same amount as I paid for the program by the time my book was completed. I did.
This is how my first book My Kid is Driving me Crazy was written and it was also the moment where everything I believed about the universe became true. When 2017 began, I had not made any money from my gifts, but as I stepped into being an author, my income began to grow to match this expanded version of me.
In March of 2017 as I was leaving my bathroom, my Team of Light told me I could read chakras and I immediately began practicing on anyone who would let me in their energy. This is still the work I do today.
That year I wrote two books and made my first six figures.
Note: This is the phase where your reality catches up with the expanded version of you. This happens because you were willing to see the outdated program and clear your energy to allow a new program to run. Once that happens, your reality will ALWAYS shift. It’s the law.
If you question how long it is taking, if you deserve it, if it passed you by (which it will never do), you will wait longer. Spirit wants you to be abundant and to receive all the universe has to offer. This means that even if something doesn’t arrive the way you think it should, it will arrive. A good lesson about this happened only a few months ago for me. It was about bed bugs and you can read the article HERE.
When I experienced my first spiritual awakening, I thought I had arrived.
There was no way I had gone through all that and would have to go through anything of that nature again. But that’s not how this works.
I’ve begun to see these awakenings as Initiations. I wrote an article about it HERE.
Each time something big happens in life, it’s an invitation into a higher aspect of ourselves. A chance to see an old program and uninstall it.
With each Initiation, you understand the process and are able to shift your reality much faster. What took me months after I broke up with my son, took me weeks after I moved in with my in-laws.
That’s the real key with spiritual awakening. Your capacity changes.
You learn, you grow, and you shift, faster and faster; understanding that this is what it means to be human. Never getting stuck in the activation. Always rising. Always choosing your expanded self.
Letting reality catch up with your new energy and then expanding again. A life long journey of allowing in more love, more intimacy, and more money.
I would love to know how this article landed with you?
Do you feel yourself in one of these phases? If so, which one?
Let me know in the comments below or send me me a message.
I love writing these articles and if there is anything you want me to write about or expand on, also let me know.
Avalon ✨
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Oh, reading this gives me so much hope. Thank you. 💗
Love love love this. 🤍🤍