The waves of the ego
getting to know yourself so well you can see your ego coming a mile away!
About a month ago I was on a client call and explained that my ego sends reinforcements in waves.
Whenever I expand or do something that my ego thinks is going to be dangerous, I can tell you exactly what’s going to happen and in what order.
Since having this conversation with my client, I’ve opened up my awareness to notice the same pattern, just different, in my husband.
Learning your own body and mind is truly the path to freedom, and I’m hoping today’s article can shed some light on just how to do that.
The Activation
For the sake of this article I’m going to use myself as the example, while weaving in my husband (with his permission of course).
An activation is when you decide to do something that your brain and body feels is a threat. You hire a coach, decide to go to an open mic night to share your poetry, you think about sharing your first article on Substack, you join a local book club, you start a new dance class.
Whenever you bump against the boundary of what is familiar and safe, you will activate a safety mechanism in your body. This works great for real threats, like bears, but can really damper stepping into a life that feels expansive and joyful.
Recently, I stepped back into a coaching container after taking a four year hiatus, and this activated a fear response in my body.
Even though I feel safe with this coach. Even though it’s in service of my soul work. Even though I know it’s exactly where I’m meant to be.
My ego can’t tell the difference between what is a real threat (bears) and what is a growth edge (coaching). All it knows is that I’m doing something new and that means I could be in danger.
The First Wave
The first thing my ego does when I push against a familiar boundary, is it attacks my body. Aggressively and without holding back.
It feels like standing in front of the meanest trolls on the internet and letting them have a hay day.
Cruel statements like, “you’re fat, old and ugly” bombard my mind. My sun spots, crooked teeth, and soft center becoming weapons to make me shrivel and disappear.
For my husband, his first wave is to become a victim to his circumstances. It’s the systems fault. It’s rigged and ‘the man’ is responsible for making life such a miserable place to be.
The first wave is meant to halt you in your tracks. Paralyze you into staying exactly where you are. It’s very convincing and will use the tactic that has worked the best in the past.
Note: the ego is not bad. It’s protecting you. We are hardwired to seek safety and that is what it believes it is doing. Keeping you from danger.
That’s why it is so important to learn yourself. To take time to notice what your thoughts are doing. The more you know the different ways your ego tries to protect you, the faster you can “swipe left” past each wave, and come to place a neutrality within yourself.
The Second Wave
When I’ve seen and acknowledged the first wave. Letting my body know I love and adore her and I’m proud of the life she has lived, my ego moves on to the second wave.
An activation triggers an old story or pattern that is meant to be looked at. This does not mean you have to stay in the emotion, but knowing you have brought something up in one of your chakras to unpack is important to know.
When I decided to go back into coaching, all the trauma from the last container came up for me to process. That is uncomfortable work, so during the second wave, my ego projects that discomfort on the person I am closest to. My husband.
It’s at this moment that everything my husband is doing is wrong. He is breathing wrong, eating wrong, looking at life wrong, husbanding wrong. The list goes on and on.
For my husband, this wave is when he feels like all hope is lost. He is filled with the ‘why bothers”. It’s pointless to do anything or try anything because everything is hopeless and the system sucks.
Note: the work is not to stop the thoughts. They are always going to be there. The work is become faster at recognizing them and “swiping left” to the next wave as quickly as we can.
It’s here that I realize I’m avoiding myself and will journal, go for a walk, or phone a friend to help me work through the emotions that have come up. If I don’t, them I will move into the third wave.
The Third Wave
After attacking myself, then attacking my husband, my ego uses addiction to distract me away from my emotions.
Things that will feel like they are helpful or doing good, but actually keep me from processing the emotion I activated in the beginning.
This is when I notice all the emptying jars of make up, cream, supplements, and my dwindling TBR pile on my bookshelf. It becomes VERY important that I restock everything.
Since I don’t drink anymore, shopping is how I numb myself from my emotions.
This is the wave where I will lose myself on Facebook Marketplace, Etsy, health food sites or seeking any other form of outward dopamine.
My ego will convince me that these things are celebrating my growth; that I’m honouring my journey; but what it won’t say is that it will come at the cost of my financial stability.
This is the same wave my husband has, except his addiction is video games. He could lose days, weeks and his evenings to gallivanting around a mystical castle looking for clues to up-level his avatar instead of himself.
Note: This wave is about numbing ourselves away from the discomfort through outside distractions and addictions. Shopping, food, exercise, drinking, over working, are all examples, however you will know your version of this best.
The Fourth Wave
This is the wave that is the most sly. It is the way we use our unconscious mind to halt us in our tracks. It’s our self sabotaging pattern played out into real time.
You may have processed the emotion behind your activation, but if you still feel unsafe unconsciously, you may still experience this wave.
In the past this has looked like me blowing up a part of my business. I’ll move everything to a new platform, close a social media account completely (like wipe it out wipe it out), or I’ll think I need something to help me grow that I don’t. This will keep me so busy I won’t have time to feel the emotion, plus it will keep me from being seen and growing my business.
Other ways self sabotage shows up is we get sick, someone in our life gets sick, our roof starts leaking, the car breaks down, an infestation of squirrels will appear in our walls, the list goes on and on.
Since signing up to work with Amber Lilyestrom (my coach) I’ve broken out in hives. This is my bodies way of trying to keep me from showing up to do the work. It’s an outside event that is so uncomfortable that if I allowed it, could convince me to stay where I am.
Each time I shift, this event will look different. It will for you as well.
For my husband it will come in the form of his computer acting up or our dog getting hurt. As a musician, his computer is his studio and if I’m being honest, my husband loves animals more than humans. This makes our dog a perfect way to stop him in his tracks.
Note: the ego thinks it’s helping, even when it’s throwing something down on our path that feels really big. It’s important that you don’t turn on yourself, even your ego, and make any part of you wrong. What is happening happens to all of us, it’s part of being human.
Riding the Waves
By choosing to look at the waves of your ego, you are placing your awareness on your thoughts. This is such an important part of learning yourself.
It’s separating yourself from the thoughts themselves, and letting yourself observe them instead.
You may notice that during your first wave you judge yourself and others, criticizing their weight, clothes, or life choices.
You may become aware that during the second wave you stop doing your self care practices, making you so overwhelmed and stressed by life that removing yourself from your growth edge is the only option.
You may see that during one of your waves you make others responsible for your success. Expecting someone to come in and “fix” you and your business.
None of these thoughts are wrong. That’s important to state here.
Your beautiful ego learned young that staying safe was important, so it learned ways to ensure you were.
What a gift that was.
As you begin to push the boundaries of what’s possible in your life, you want to be in relationship with your ego. Seeing it for what it is. A protector.
There are a few ways you can ride the waves of your thoughts without attaching to them.
First is to “swipe left”. This is a simple hand gesture that pushes the thoughts away, allowing new ones in. You can do this in your mind, or physically. The idea is that you see the thoughts come in like a Tinder dating site. If the thought doesn’t feel good to you, swipe it away. It can be that simple.
The second way you can ride the waves of your ego is to give your ego a name. My ego is named Becky.
When I wake up in the morning and Becky wants to tell me how terrible I am, how fat my stomach looks, or that I will never be successful, I can place my feet on the floor and ask Becky to be quiet.
I can lovingly say, “I haven’t even had my coffee yet Becky, can you hold your thoughts until I’m a little more awake”.
Or if I’m having trouble falling asleep because my mind is racing, I can imagine Becky as a little girl who won’t fall asleep.
I can lovingly take her hand, walk her to her bedroom in my mind, and put her back in bed. If she gets up again, I simply put her back in bed. Again and again until my mind settles.
This shifts my awareness away from being my thoughts, and gives space for new thoughts to come through.
Because the truth is, you are not your ego thoughts.
You are the amazing human who is having those thoughts.
And they are not the same thing.
There are still a few days left to grab your two for one In-Depth Energy Card readings.
These readings are powerful ways to hear from your higher self and guides regarding ANY area of your life.
The messages coming through this month have been powerful. How can they not be with so much astrological influence!! These new beginnings vibes are for reals!!
You can book your reading HERE.
Lastly, I did my first LIVE Tea and Tarot on Substack last Monday and it was AMAZING!! I totally geeked out over it.
If you haven’t watched it yet, you can watch it HERE.
I’m also going LIVE again this coming Monday April 27th at 11 am. Put it in your calendar and join me for a live card reading and other energetic downloads.
You will require a Substack account (which is free) and I will be creating a reminder there tomorrow.
THIS IS SO EXCITING!!
I would love to hear from you about anything I’ve written today!
Being in relationship with y’all is why I love energy healing.
It’s about helping raise each other up.
Expanding together.
As one.
Avalon xx